Fear

Fear has his grip on me. He won’t let go. He turns my head towards things to see. Things I shall never know. He tells me the worst is to come. He squashes my spirit.

My Lord takes pity on me. He stands withing my reach. “Free me from Fear Lord!” He showers me with grace. “I have given you freedom but you must also let go.”

I look to see my reflection. Fear is no longer holding me. My hands are holding him. My knuckles are white. What am I doing? I let go.

Good-bye Fear.

The poem above was given to me in a quiet time in October of 2018. I’m not exactly the best poetic writer on my own but at times God will give me something to write in my journal. These words reflect Fear and it’s strangling ways but also my own comfort in Fears embrace. We do that don’t we? We get in to situations where Fear speaks and we exhaustively repeat those fears until it’s comfortable for us. I know that for me I have battled that very thing over and over again even while standing in faith for healing. I have always known that God would heal me but there have been so many times that Fear creeps in and not only takes a hold of me but I hold on to him too.

I believe that Fear is a spirit sent by the enemy. Now don’t misunderstand me and think that all “fear” isn’t healthy. If you are standing on the edge of a cliff and someone tells you to jump your fear not to do so in that moment isn’t unhealthy but a survival instinct. I’m talking about the Fear that creeps in to your thoughts and contradicts God’s direction in your life. It can be something as simple as “you’re not good enough for that so don’t try” to “Your doctor doesn’t have all the answers. 35% of women live through this so your chances are minimal.”

Have you ever met someone you perceive as “fearless?” You know the type…dare devil, fly by the seat of their pants, jumps out of air planes, or makes erratic life choices but everything works out in the end. We’ve all met those people and they can not escape Fear any more than we can. They have chosen to silence Fear and live their lives although some of their fears may be a little different and could be effecting them in a different way. You see Fear does not, and never will, discriminate and the enemy would not stop his greatest weapon from attempting to conquer all in his path.

The very verse that “stalked” me through my cancer journey directs us to a moment in time where Fear attempts to take center stage in a moment with the Israelite people where God shows up in a big way. In Exodus 14:14 scripture tells us “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still” but you have to see the full picture of what’s going on in that moment. If you back up to verse 10 you begin to see the worst fears of the Israelite slaves (they were slaves for 400 years but were just freed to move on to the promised land) as Pharaoh and his army chases after them to bring them back to servitude or maybe kill them all. The Red Sea is directly in front of them and there is no escape. Keep in mind that there are children, elderly, livestock, and gold in their possession so it’s not like they could all swim to safety. This is where Fear jumps in and starts using their voices saying “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die?”

I love how Moses, the former “Egyptian prince” with a stutter, takes charge and speaks boldly. In verses 13 and 14 it says “Moses answered the people, ‘Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.'” After this moment Moses raises his staff and the Red Sea is parted so the Israelite’s can cross and Pharaoh’s army is drowned when they attempt to cross. I know…I picture Charleton Heston when I read this part of scripture too.

That’s not all that God does in that moment either. He sends His angel that was traveling with the Israelites (which I’m pretty sure they couldn’t see or they’d be even more terrified) to go behind them and move the pillar cloud he was using as a guide to the back to hold off the Egyptians (vs. 19-20). It’s really an amazing picture of God’s love for his people and His protective hand at work.

Take a moment to REALLY think about this. The leader of Egypt, oppressor of the Israelite’s and a god to his people, is chasing after his slaves who were standing in front of a SEA without boats. There weren’t just a few of them but thousands that were staring at water in front of them and death behind them. Fear has the perfect opportunity to make his appearance and can we really blame the Israelite’s for being afraid? I think I’d be afraid too.

That is what happens to all of us in tough circumstances. Those moments that we can’t control cause Fear to take hold of us. It can be anything from fear of a difficult boss giving you your pink slip (so you work your self to exhaustion) to fear of life being cut too short due to a cancer diagnosis. Fear will use anything in your life to make you cling to him and forget that you have a Savior who is willing and ready to walk with you if you trust Him to do so.

I’m not saying things will always work out the way you had hoped for but God never wastes a moment. I don’t believe God gives us things like cancer (read Job) but he allows it to happen so that things will work out in the end. Sometimes that diagnosis takes a life but think of how it may have impacted the lives of others around that person (again read Job). Many times God uses something bad to give us an opportunity to grow and learn to trust Him. Sometimes “healing” isn’t physical but it is spiritual or it is the relationship between you and your creator being “healed.” For me it was both physical and spiritual. The last two years have been the best and the worst of my life simultaneously.

Keep in mind that I say all of this but that I am human and VERY flawed. I’m not a god nor am I exactly “holy” in my every day life. What I do know is what I’ve experienced first hand that the God of the universe put things in to motion to not only show me His healing power but show me that He loves me. I’m nobody. I’m not a wealthy person, a scholar, a president, a queen, or even a pastor. I’m a currently unemployed, approaching middle age, woman from South Georgia yet God chose to work in my life in a way I would have NEVER expected. Although I have been told I’m in remission my journey is not over yet. I know this disease can come back but I also know that I will continue to trust God with every fiber of my being.

What is Fear using in your life today? Is it the job? Your family? Finances? Your health? As you read these words I want you to make an effort to start speaking life over your situation. It’s hard at first, trust me I know, but when Fear speaks silence him with scripture or simply tell him that you are trusting God in your moment of trouble. Fear takes you by the throat to strangle you to in submitting to his lies but when Fear hears your consistent words of faith he let’s go of you. I want to encourage you to let go of him too. You just might be holding on to him as tightly as he is holding you.

Today was one of three additional treatments of Doxil which normally begins with a visit with my local oncologist in Brunswick. The visit went well and he mentioned he had spoken with Dr. G and my blood work looked great. He then said that word I’ve been waiting to hear for almost a year and a half now. He said “thank you for going in to REMISSION.” In that moment I was stunned. Did he say the “R word?” Remission? To this moment I can’t remember what I said in return but it was music to my ears. Remission. For me it’s almost like saying I’ve “won the lottery” or “won a life time supply of chocolate.” Remission. Oh God he said the actual word.

Thank you Lord. Thank you for putting these two brilliant men in my life with their amazing teams. I will continue with what their orders are and sleep well tonight with that sweet word being repeated in my mind. “Remission. Remission. Remission.”

Hallelujah!

What a statement. When I heard those words yesterday I was somewhat confused. “What does that actually mean?” I said to Dr. G as he walked past me to adjust the examination table so he could look at my surgery scars. “It means that it is exactly what I wanted to see. You will have three more Doxil treatments and be on Avastin for maintenance pretty much forever.” I must confess that in that moment I didn’t fully process what he was saying. I looked over at my Mom, who was thanking Dr. G for everything he has done, and realized it mean’t that I’m closer to beating this disease than I thought. Of course for my Mom it was the moment that her worst fears were not playing out. As a parent she can’t help but worry that things would be worse and to hear the opposite was a huge relief.

I didn’t doubt that there would be a good report but the extent of it surprised me. As I walked out of the room and saw my nurse (that I regularly see when I come to that office) she gave me a hug, told me she heard the news, and said that she thought I looked great. That made things more “real” for me.

Friday is another Doxil/Avastin treatment and I will meet with my local oncologist to get his feedback. Considering he discussed “maintenance options” with me two weeks ago I think he might be on the same mind set as Dr. G in Augusta.

This means that once again God showed up and used these two men to do the impossible. I wasn’t supposed to make it…not through the first chemo, not through my surgery, and not now BUT I couldn’t believe that this was it for me and neither did these two doctors. I’m living in the moment of personal miracles and it’s an incredible feeling of elation and gratitude. I wouldn’t wish HOW I got to this place on anyone but I do wish I could bottle and share the feeling of seeing God’s promises play out and His healing. He directed my steps, and those of my oncologist, to get me to the perfect surgeon when other surgeons would have sent me to hospice rather than giving me a chance. Maybe one day I’ll go in to the full details of it all and share with the world but for now I’ll just soak up moments like these and enjoy them. #Godisgood

One more down and so far only one more Doxil treatment to go. My CT Scan will determine that though. Once again I was REALLY comfortable through the process so I am positive I was given a little more panic drugs to keep me calm and collective. Doesn’t bother me though…she can keep doing that! Haha! 😁

Now it’s the waiting game. Will I have any energy this week or will I be ill? I was given something new to combat nausea so maybe not? We shall see.

This is the reality of going through treatment. I’m used to it by now…after all it’s my second time going through this in a little over a year.

God has a plan though and I will continue to trust and move forward!

Perfect song for a treatment day. This says it all:

As time presses on my savings continues to dwindle down (no I am not in need of anything so please don’t misunderstand this post). I have no regrets though and am so grateful to my doctors who pushed me to resign from my job in February. Sounds crazy doesn’t it? Maybe it is.

At the end of this month I will be moving in with family and letting go of my home in Glynn County. I have been able to give 100% of my time to my treatment and recovery and it shows.

In the last month of working I lost a ridiculous amount of weight. Now that has stopped…that is how I realized that what my family was telling me about the stress and my health was true.

Today, I continue to pack and move small things here and there when I am able. God has provided (monetarily and physically)every step of the way and I am grateful.

My CT scan will be here before I know it and I am believing for good things!

I have been going to my local oncologist for well over a year now and I have never sat through an appointment for less than two hours until today. Shockingly quick….I like it. My treatment was only 30 minutes as well. Wow…I was thinking my whole day would be at the hospital. Oh well!